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Mixed Emotions

February 18, 2010

I woke up this morning to more gagging but my boobs barely hurt.  Of course, the panic set in…again.  The silver lining was only having to wait a couple of hours to see what was in store on the ultrasound screen.  Once at Dr. RE’s office, it was bottoms off and on the table with Mr. B by my side.  And there it was!  Our one little baby with a heartbeat strong at 131.  He/she looks more like a blob than a fluttering speck.  All measurements are still right on target and my progesterone is still really high so it looks like I may be off the Prometrium for good.  Dr. RE is still very pleased.  As for our other bean, there was no change since last week so that one is out of the running.  Dr. RE said that I may experience some cramping and bleeding because of that one but not to become overly alarmed.  HA!  HA!  Apparently, he forgets who he’s speaking to from time to time.  Anyway, he said that there’s also a possibility that my body may absorb it without a fuss which is what I’m hoping for, of course. 

I have mixed feelings about today’s results.  I really felt like if one was still in there, that the other would have caught up.  And while I’m so happy that our main bean is going strong, I can’t help but feel the loss of the other one.  In a wierd way, I was hoping for twins.  I was hoping to be done with this whole experience with one event.  Two babies at the same time and our family would have been complete.  Not having to go through the fear of another pregnancy after more drugs and procedures.  That wasn’t in the cards for me.  One the positive side, I won’t have to worry about an increased risk to my health and the health of the babies that goes along with multiples pregnancies.  And Mr. B and I can ease into parenthood a bit slower with one baby to enjoy.  But I still feel the loss.  If my body was supposed to do what is expected, then why didn’t the other one make it too?  Dr. RE said that embryo grading is basically a beauty contest.  They put back the ones that are the prettiest on day 5.  He also said that science doesn’t care about beauty so two crappy looking embryos can turn into twins and two perfect embryos can equal a negative pregnancy test.  He did tell us that if we decide to do a FET at a later date when we’re ready for a brother or sister, that we have 1 questionable embryo on ice along with 4 perfect looking ones.  That was somewhat comforting.

In other news, my therapy appointment went well yesterday.  She was really great with helping me to understand why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling.  Lightbulbs went off and the connections were made.  And last night, even though I felt like crap, I felt at peace for the first time since I peed on that stick.  My therapist also made a meditation tape for me to listen to each evening.  She used it with me yesterday and it did help.  I hope it continues to help.

I’m still scared today because my boobs don’t hurt so much and I haven’t heaved since this morning.  I haven’t had an appetite but I’m making myself eat because I know I need to.  Even though I saw that wonderful heartbeat, I guess nothing seems to satisfy me today.  I hate feeling like this!!!  I just don’t know how to stop it.  We also have a family birthday party this weekend where I will see my cousins.  My mom wants me to come out with the news, especially since one of my cousins is an OB/GYN which she think will help me.  I’m just not sure I’m ready for that yet.  But, as my mom and Mr. B both told me today…”If something happens now,we will all be devastated.  So why be devastated before it happens if we don’t have to be.”  I know they are right and I owe it to them and myself to try harder.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Nikki permalink
    February 19, 2010 2:55 pm

    Hi. I enjoyed reading your blog. My husband and I are going to hopefully do ICSI in early summer. My husband has extremely low sperm count. We were told earlier this week that we had almost a 0% chance of conceiving on our own and that IVF with ICSI was our only chance. It was quite heartbreaking to hear this. Your story has given me hope and gave me a better idea of what to expect. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly! I will stop back to see how it is going. Take care.

    Nikki

  2. February 20, 2010 1:22 pm

    it’s okay to mourn the loss of the second bean. maybe you should find a way to say good bye so you can feel like you have some closure. so happy to hear that the main bean is doing swimmingly! i know you won’t stop worrying, but i’ve always read that symptoms come and go. hang in there! xoxo!

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