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Can You Say “MELTDOWN”?

January 4, 2010

Ok.  So, I finally had one.  A colossal meltdown in the RE office this morning.  I went in for my blood work and wonderful vaginal ultrasound and I just lost.my.shit.  The blood draw wasn’t so bad.  They use butterfly needles which are super tiny and don’t hurt much at all.  I really am thankful for that.  But, let me just tell you how bad the vaginal ultrasound was…IT SUCKED!!!  I kid you not, I was in pain.  The most pain I’ve had so far because of all of this.  I can only imagine how fun it’s gonna be when my ovaries are the size of watermelons.  I can hardly wait!  Anywho, my ovaries (4 follicles on one side and 6 follicles on the other) and lining looked great.  Then, the nurse went over how to mix my next vials of hormonal goodness.  Lucky for me, she showed me how to mix the Follistim and the Menopur into one injection which is so much better than two!  I’ll continue with the Lupron in the mornings but at a decreased dose.  The nurse called with my lab results.  Everything is right on target.  All sounds really swell, right?  Why am I upset, you ask???  I guess I just lost it after the vaginal violation.  I felt like a kid being punished and I just wanted to pull up my pants and run out of there, never going back.  And then I thought, this SUCKS!  Why am I here?  Why do I have to go through this?  Do I really want to do this?  Is it too late to stop?  Can we get our money back?  Crying in the waiting room like a big ole circus freak realizing that I shouldn’t cry because I might make the other “pregnant hopefuls” nervous.  On my way home, I had time to collect my faculties.  I know why I am doing this and I know that I want the payoff in the end.  Today, I’m just angry about what I have to do for the payoff.  So, I decided that I will indulge with a massage this afternoon.  I’ve been shooting up for a week now and I was vaginally violated.  I’m getting pampered, dammit.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. January 4, 2010 4:01 pm

    Bring on the pampering, sister!
    Have a mentioned that Nordstom is less than one mile from my RE’s office?
    Isn’t that convenient? Each time I leave with any form of gauze, band-aid, or cotton affixed to my body, you can betcha I’m headed straight to the accessories department! Okay, fine, maybe the children’s department too…so that I can reset my mind on what this is actually all for in the first place!
    So glad to hear you ask “Do I really want to do this?”
    I’ve always, ALWAYS had that nagging question and I thought if I said it outloud people would eat me alive, but it’s true. I wonder at least once a week. It’s such a difficult process, it’s simple to psych yourself out.
    BUT the truth is, we really do want this.
    We’re here for you. We’re ready to listen.
    It’s sounds like you actually are right on track!

  2. Kir permalink
    January 8, 2010 9:53 am

    I’m so sorry. I can relate, because by the time we went to do the IVF, I was spent. 4 yrs of my life were gone and my sanity was wavering. I didn’t think about it at the time, but Violated is a good word, with IF you always feel like “less” , like “you’re broken” and when procedures or U/S hurt you feel bad complaining etc.

    But I’m here to tell you to keep going, and GOOD LUCK. My IVF sons turned 2 today and all those appts, I promise..were worth it.

    Much love and luck to you this cycle.

  3. January 8, 2010 3:58 pm

    I think we all have something that finally pushes us over the edge. I hope the pampering makes you feel a bit better.

  4. January 9, 2010 3:58 pm

    Great post – I came over from the Roundup. It takes a lot of courage to talk about how difficult the process of treatments can be.

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