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What if…

November 22, 2009

These two words are crippling me these days.  There is so much in my life to feel thankful for but I can’t find my way out of my never-ending pity party.  I’m angry!  The more I think about the situation that Mr. B and I are in, the angrier I get.  It’s not fair.  And it sucks!  And no one really understands how all of this feels.  My friends and family are blessedly fertile and have never had to come to terms that they will have to shoot up with crazy amounts of hormones (along with all the other fun things I have to look forward to) to have a baby.  All they had to do was have sex…and lickity split…a baby nine months later.  And the more I read about the whole IVF process, the more terrified I get.  What if I can’t endure all of the injections?  What if I can’t tolerate all of the side effects that the hormones bring?  What if it doesn’t work the first time…or the second time…or the third time?  What if we never become parents?  I know I can’t live in the “What if” world, but I feel like that’s all I have right now.

Yesterday, Mr. B and I went to a family member’s wedding.  It was nice to be surrounded by family but it was also unsettling.  All I could think about was, “What if someone asks me when we are gonna have kids?”  Fortunately for me, no one did.  At the same time, I really wanted to reach out to my cousins and tell them about our new struggle, hoping for support, but the timing wasn’t right.  This day was about the newly married couple and not about the sad story of our reproductive challenges.  I have to say, though, that it hurt like hell to see all of the kids running around.  Seeing how “Mommy” and “Daddy” were being called left and right, knowing that those terms may never be used to describe me or Mr. B.  The final nail in my coffin came at the end of the event.  My two-year old godchild was telling each of us goodbye when she suddenly realized that my dad was leaving with us.  Then, she ran up to him with her arms wide open screaming his name.  She gave him the biggest hug and put the biggest smile on his face.  At that moment, I realized that I may never be able to give that to my dad or my mom.  What if I can’t give them the grandchildren that they want so desperately?  The pain was unbearable.

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